“Do I matter?”
“Am I loved by my
friends and family?”
“Who are those that care for me? Genuinely care for me?”
After a two day marathon of a TV series - 13 reasons why,
that I am now wholly addicted to; I cannot seem to get these life-altering
questions out of my head. While the entire story revolves around the suicide of
a high school girl and some audio tapes that she passes around to the 13 people
responsible for her death, I cannot elude the idea and the thoughts of every
individual that has intentionally or unintentionally cast a shadow on my life.
I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that everyone smiling on the outside
isn’t doing so on the inside.
As I sit down to pour my heart out after nearly a week’s
internal dilemma, I feel a knot in my stomach. I remember the gut-wrenching
pain I recall feeling each time I was even close to turning into a ‘Hannah
Baker’. I think it is safe to say that I didn’t have an easy teenage, but none
of us do and I am very well aware of that fact! When I say this, I do not mean
I was a victim of bullying or any kind of abuse. I do not mean I had an
estranged family or a friend circle in shackles. I was not in the constant grip
of my parents and neither was I a part of a bad school. I think I am trying to
say that I did face a lot of confusion and something beyond that , that even
today I cannot fathom and put in words. I did have an excellent clique
throughout my school and college days and that is one thing I wouldn’t
substitute in a sane mind. After continuous attempts and efforts at trying to name
the one thing that I feel has bothered me over the years, I am still at block
one today. However, upon having decided to write this article, I can feel a
sense of content that has taken over my heart and my deepest entrails seem to
be calm.
Before beginning to write today, I spent nearly 20 minutes
nibbling at the back of my pen with no idea on how to begin. I do not know if I
should blame that on my very long hiatus from writing or the myriad thoughts
drifting in my head. When I decided I shall put down everything that I can
think of, I began with the three thoughts that are right at the brim of my
head. I am starting to wonder the genuineness of the times people say they like me. I wonder if I matter at all, and if I matter enough. Because right now,
today at this moment, I am looking for proof, I am looking for action and I am
looking for effort. I am tired of hoping, I am tired of guessing and I am just
tired of filling my head with thoughts that I do not know are facts or myths.
Borrowing Mr. Tharoor’s dictionary, let me say I am drowning in a farrago of
unreal beliefs, impractical expectations and I am surrounded with a group of
people, amongst whom I do not know who I can fall back upon.
To anybody reading this ready to build an answer or a comment
around independence or not bothering about the people around me, I have to stop
you there! Do not tell me to be independent for I am, do not tell me to be
strong for I am more than you can imagine and do not tell me to stop worrying
about the people around me because it doesn’t work that way! Maybe for you it
does, but I am tired of hearing them. For the ones who know me, you will also
know I am so much more than all those mentioned above.
Today, unfortunately I am in a place where I am just
wondering and counting the people that actually know me inside out. I am
grateful for a group of friends that have dragged me out of my worst phases and
sadder than ever, I am ashamed to say that this group of friends has fallen
down to two of them. In the 15+ years of my schooling and college, I have been
friendly with a lot of people without the slightest clue about the vibe I have
given, yet today as I look back our bonds have broken and I feel mean each
time, I don’t return calls/texts. No, I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am
not disappointed. I am just feeling a mixture of shock and amusement at what I
have become. From a friendly girl to someone I do not recognise, I feel sorry
for all the hurtful things I might have said. Life is uncertain and it works in
mysterious ways.
Although, deep down I knew I was all of the above and I knew
what I was turning into, I guess I was just adamant to come to terms with it. The
last time a TV show triggered an outpour was when Hodor was killed mercilessly.
13 reasons why has given me a new perspective towards life. I now realise the
impact a single word might have and I now understand the need to value
relationships and more importantly each day in your life.
For who knows, what’s in store for tomorrow?
For who knows, if tomorrow exists at all?
Meghana. Lanka
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