Why am I here and not somewhere else?

“Dreams are dime a dozen, it is their execution that matters!”

That one particular quote plays a very significant role in my life. I remember this being told by my mother a million times, I remember this being on one of the walls of my house and I remember this being an opening line to one of my school speeches. As a kid, I never understood what it meant, I did not even attempt at deducing what it held, so much as to have taken the first line of my speech. I was told dreams matter, dreams count and dreams are what that keeps you going. At that time, those were just a collection of sentences that went from above my head.

Today after about 10 years, during a lazy summer vacation I cannot help but think about everything I was taught and told as a kid. Today, I do not have the slightest idea about tomorrow; I do not know how I am going to handle anything that life throws at me. All I can say, is I am blindly plunging headlong into what seems like a dark cave. Amidst all the myriad thoughts I seem to be having, I began to wonder what I could have done differently, what should I have chosen otherwise and where should I have been, if not here. While those questions are excellent food for thought, I also came to a very sad realisation. I am 20 years old and I haven’t seen most of the things I dreamt to see by now. I am 20 years old and I haven’t done quite a lot of things I dreamt of doing. I am 20 years old and I haven’t met a lot of people I imagined meeting. By all this I do not mean impromptu road trips or parties for I can safely say, I do not have an ounce of regret in that area.

To the one that is reading this, close your eyes and imagine the top three important decisions that you have taken. Now imagine the consequences had you chosen the other option. To me, the mere fact that one decision can steer my life in a completely different direction scares me almost all the time. I am always wondering why I am here and not somewhere else? Do not get me wrong, this is not because I am unhappy with the life I am leading now. This is solely because I am curious to find out what it is like if I belonged to a different culture, what it is like if I belonged to a different race and what it is like if I belonged to a different gender. The nuances differ in all of these and I can’t begin to describe my anxiety in realising if I am ever going to experience all of it. My deepest fear is not that I am inadequate; my deepest fear is that I am powerful beyond measure.

The quote that I began my article with is a one that is close to my heart. When I heard it for the first time, in a different time frame, in a different set up, with a different perspective altogether, I was under the blatant impression that dreams were the easiest thing an individual can possess. Honestly, I am under the same mind frame right now, but what changed is the extent of my dreams. At 7, a new bicycle was a dream. At 9, locking the top bolt of the bathroom door all by my self was a dream and at 13, skipping milk was a dream. Today, I dream of surviving alone in a foreign land. I dream of a bigger house. I dream of more enriching relationships and I dream of more money. I am more than excited to take on the next phase and I cannot wait to see how it is going to turn out. I am excited to see if the dreams that are taking shape in my head will ever take place in reality and I am equally petrified to find out if they are going to be and do any good. 

Who knows, if tomorrow exists?

“Do I matter?”

 “Am I loved by my friends and family?”

“Who are those that care for me? Genuinely care for me?”

                                             

After a two day marathon of a TV series - 13 reasons why, that I am now wholly addicted to; I cannot seem to get these life-altering questions out of my head. While the entire story revolves around the suicide of a high school girl and some audio tapes that she passes around to the 13 people responsible for her death, I cannot elude the idea and the thoughts of every individual that has intentionally or unintentionally cast a shadow on my life. I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that everyone smiling on the outside isn’t doing so on the inside.

As I sit down to pour my heart out after nearly a week’s internal dilemma, I feel a knot in my stomach. I remember the gut-wrenching pain I recall feeling each time I was even close to turning into a ‘Hannah Baker’. I think it is safe to say that I didn’t have an easy teenage, but none of us do and I am very well aware of that fact! When I say this, I do not mean I was a victim of bullying or any kind of abuse. I do not mean I had an estranged family or a friend circle in shackles. I was not in the constant grip of my parents and neither was I a part of a bad school. I think I am trying to say that I did face a lot of confusion and something beyond that , that even today I cannot fathom and put in words. I did have an excellent clique throughout my school and college days and that is one thing I wouldn’t substitute in a sane mind. After continuous attempts and efforts at trying to name the one thing that I feel has bothered me over the years, I am still at block one today. However, upon having decided to write this article, I can feel a sense of content that has taken over my heart and my deepest entrails seem to be calm.

Before beginning to write today, I spent nearly 20 minutes nibbling at the back of my pen with no idea on how to begin. I do not know if I should blame that on my very long hiatus from writing or the myriad thoughts drifting in my head. When I decided I shall put down everything that I can think of, I began with the three thoughts that are right at the brim of my head. I am starting to wonder the genuineness of the times people say they like me. I wonder if I matter at all, and if I matter enough. Because right now, today at this moment, I am looking for proof, I am looking for action and I am looking for effort. I am tired of hoping, I am tired of guessing and I am just tired of filling my head with thoughts that I do not know are facts or myths. Borrowing Mr. Tharoor’s dictionary, let me say I am drowning in a farrago of unreal beliefs, impractical expectations and I am surrounded with a group of people, amongst whom I do not know who I can fall back upon.

To anybody reading this ready to build an answer or a comment around independence or not bothering about the people around me, I have to stop you there! Do not tell me to be independent for I am, do not tell me to be strong for I am more than you can imagine and do not tell me to stop worrying about the people around me because it doesn’t work that way! Maybe for you it does, but I am tired of hearing them. For the ones who know me, you will also know I am so much more than all those mentioned above.

Today, unfortunately I am in a place where I am just wondering and counting the people that actually know me inside out. I am grateful for a group of friends that have dragged me out of my worst phases and sadder than ever, I am ashamed to say that this group of friends has fallen down to two of them. In the 15+ years of my schooling and college, I have been friendly with a lot of people without the slightest clue about the vibe I have given, yet today as I look back our bonds have broken and I feel mean each time, I don’t return calls/texts. No, I am not sad. I am not depressed. I am not disappointed. I am just feeling a mixture of shock and amusement at what I have become. From a friendly girl to someone I do not recognise, I feel sorry for all the hurtful things I might have said. Life is uncertain and it works in mysterious ways.

Although, deep down I knew I was all of the above and I knew what I was turning into, I guess I was just adamant to come to terms with it. The last time a TV show triggered an outpour was when Hodor was killed mercilessly. 13 reasons why has given me a new perspective towards life. I now realise the impact a single word might have and I now understand the need to value relationships and more importantly each day in your life.

For who knows, what’s in store for tomorrow?

For who knows, if tomorrow exists at all?

                                                                                                                  Meghana. Lanka